Before Evil Came Along
by Nohwrah B
Summary: -But it hurts so bad to realise you failed to do what you wanted to do most in the entire world: make somebody love you as much as you love him.- Shiphrah Johnstone talks to the Quibler about the boy she loved and what he became. Pre-Voldy Tom Riddle-fic.
1. Prologue&chapter One

Disclaimer: Everything you recognise while reading this story, is -sadly enough- not mine. It's all due to the genius of JK Rowling. Everything that does not seem familiar {such as the Johnstones and the plot}, however, is entirely my own genius ^_^  
  
Author's notes: I want to dedicate this to everyone who encouraged me and told me off when I wanted to give up. This is for Nikita in particular, because she gave me a lot more than just encouragement, she knows what I'm talking about. Here's to you!!  
  
BEFORE EVIL CAME ALONG  
  
Prologue:  
  
Do you know why I agreed to this? Because I have to tell you the story. I really do, to make you understand that he was not always like this. He was not always evil, not always full of hate. In fact, he was dreamy. All girls fancied him, they didn't mind he was a Slytherin. But. back then, he still was Tom.  
  
It was his youth that changed him. Not Hogwarts, no, he loved it there. He was top of every class, he was prefect; he had friends in every house -even Gryffindor. Though I should tell you, he did fake those friendships, but it was important for him to be liked, loved.  
  
It was the orphanage that scarred him for life. He was beaten up, used as a servant and he could not use magic to prevent it. I think the sudden change from being hated to being loved, idolised and then having to change back, I think that was too much for him.  
  
You know, when I think of him, I still feel his warmth. Yes, even Slytherins can be warm and open.  
  
You don't believe me? I have to admit, when I see who he has become. I hardly believe it. I- It's almost impossible to see any resemblance between Tom and what he calls himself now. Voldemort. Oh, what are you shuddering for? I knew him, I was close to him and I don't fear his name. Why should you?  
  
Anyway. Back in those days, and I'm speaking about days about sixty years ago, it was just a nickname. I helped think of it. It took us four months to come up with that one, we had first tried some stuff with Marvolo, his middle name, but-  
  
There are so many things I need to tell you about Tom. I don't even know where to start. I guess you've heard that a lot, eh? Well, when you know someone as well as I knew Tom- and I knew him well, mind- there are so many things that come to mind. I'll just start with the first of September 1938, the day Tom and I were first-years at Hogwarts.  
  
I still remember the first time I laid eyes on him, oh, he was such a handsome boy. His jet-black hair and his pale skin contrasted so beautifully and his dark brown eyes were intoxicating. You drowned in them, if you looked in them for too long. He was tall -taller than the already big man with him (I thought it was his father, later I learned it was someone from the orphanage)- and so very shy. He was looking at his ticket for platform nine and three-quarters so nervously and then he gazed around, helplessly, because he couldn't find a sign saying nine and three-quarters.  
  
I had been staring at him for a few minutes, allowing myself to blush. I knew the way of course, I had been at King's Cross so many times I'd lost count. I had four older sisters and an older brother, you know.  
  
Alastair had just finished at Hogwarts, while Persephone was in her last year, Aglaia was in her sixth and Uma was in her fifth. I had seen them disappear into the wall between platforms nine and ten and I was ever so excited to finally do it myself. I come from a long line of pure bloods. We had only one uncle, uncle Virgil, who couldn't do magic and he was the disgrace of the family. It was hammered into me, by great-grand-parents, grand-parents, parents, at least a dozen aunts and uncles, about fifty older cousins and of course my siblings that being a Squib was a disgrace. I had not shown many signs of magic and I was scared to death of not being a witch. But I had turned out to be one, I kept the family-honour intact.  
  
My parents had already gone onto the platform to board the suitcases. I hadn't, under the pretext that I wanted to say goodbye to London. I had always been very theatrical, so mum and dad didn't think more of it. The truth was that I wanted to look at him; I wanted to talk to him, and help him, because he obviously wasn't going to find the Hogwarts Express by himself.  
  
'Need any help?' I said, after gathering all my courage and going over to him. Luckily, I wasn't that small. For a girl I was actually rather tall -and our eyes met on approximately the same height.  
  
His worried face broke into a smile, a real smile. Not the mean, malevolent smile you expect. I think he was really glad to have some guidance for his first steps into the Wizarding world.  
  
'I-I don't know.' he said, still smiling, but he seemed to have realised there was a possibility I was a Muggle. His voice was so warm, as if I was being enwrapped by soft and cuddly blankets.  
  
'I'm a witch, don't worry.' I said, I was trying so hard to look like an adult and self-conscious girl, but I barely knew what I was saying. 'You can come onto the platform with me if you want; I'm going now anyway.'  
  
'Oh, you are?' he asked.  
  
I can honestly say that it was love at first sight for me. Yes, and you know what? To this day I still love Tom Riddle. I do not love who he has become, mind, I could never love the thing he is today. But the Tom he was back then, I gave that Tom my heart without expecting it back and he can come and swipe me anytime.  
  
Chapter One:  
  
He came with me, through the barrier and onto the train. We were lucky to find a compartment we had to ourselves.  
  
We talked the entire journey, about Hogwarts, about our lives. About our feelings when we had got our letters. He was a highly sensitive boy, remarkable he was. He even had tears in his eyes when I told him about the death of my eldest sister Ishtar. She had died two years before. She was an Unspeakable and we all knew it was a dangerous job. But we never really expected not to see her again when she left that morning.  
  
And he kept on marvelling, as long as our friendship lasted- as long as we lasted- about the names in my family. His first was a simple Tom, while ours were, I have to say, somewhat unique. Mum and Dad had tried their best, they loved rare names. Dad always said that a rare name was a ticket to a rare reputation, to fame. And the one thing that crossed my mind when he said that was that Ishtar had already acquired hers.  
  
But back to Tom. He told me thousands of times, that he could deal with Alastair and Uma, Persephone, Aglaia and Ishtar, but my name was beyond him. I liked it when he said that, it made me feel special. True, Shiphrah was definitely not a common name.  
  
He said we were a family of freaks and he begged me to let him be part of it. My siblings and I had grown close, since the passing of Ishtar; to him we looked like a perfect family. We were not, but I think any family looked perfect to Tom.  
  
'Phrah,' he used to say 'If I'm going to be part of your freak family, I can't just be Tom. I need something bigger. freakier.' Thus we came up with Voldemort. -You do know I will not stop calling him by his proper name, don't you?- He was really happy with it, really proud. I don't think I've ever seen him beam like that.  
  
Well, I was so excited! I had already found a friend I could talk freely with on the first day of school, but my happiness was ended abruptly when the Sorting came up.  
  
We had talked about what house we wanted to be in, but he kept on saying he knew too little of the houses to say anything.  
  
I was sorted before Tom, and, to my relief, I was put into Ravenclaw. Johnstone was- and still is- a Ravenclaw name. We had traced back our family name to the first generation ever to come to Hogwarts and we had always been Ravenclaws.  
  
It hadn't crossed my mind that Tom could be in a different house. And certainly not Slytherin.  
  
My brother and sisters had always told me Slytherin was for evil, self- centred, spoiled gits, and as far as I could see, Tom wasn't any of those things.  
  
I have wished so often I could have been a Slytherin. I think I was the only Ravenclaw, Hufflepuff or Gryffindor who ever supported Slytherin during Quidditch matches. I even used to break the rules on purpose, to make sure our house had less points than them.  
  
In the beginning, it did look like Tom hated me. He avoided me as much as he could, and when he couldn't, he simply ignored me. I felt horrible.  
  
All my friends had noticed I had a soft spot for him, of course. Most of them liked him too, especially Minerva, she was a Gryffindor. I think she teaches at Hogwarts now.She was the worst of all his fans. She followed him everywhere and when he came near she always blushed furiously. She was always going on about what he was like and I wanted so badly to say I knew, but not many would've believed me.  
  
Tom belonged to this select group of Slytherins who believed they were more than others. They mingled with others, of course, but only if absolutely necessary. The presence of Mudbloods, as they called Muggle-borns, made them even more reluctant to engage a proper conversation with other students. But it never really bothered anyone. I think that's mostly due to his good looks, and of course people never knew him like I did. They hadn't spoken to him on the train, like I had. And the way he was now was so terribly different from the way he was acting at that time.  
  
Tom was acting the most anti-everything-but-Slytherin of them all. I think his high marks and the appreciation he received from everyone had gone to his head. And I had had enough of it.  
  
So one day -Mid-March, I think it was- I waited for him after one of his classes. Being one of his die-hard groupies -but one of the secret kind, mind- I had memorised his timetable and I knew he mostly was the last to get out of the classroom.  
  
I was right.  
  
'Tom!' I called when he was tailing his class.  
  
He stopped, looked at me, but he started walking again, faster than he had before.  
  
'Oy, Tom, wait!' I yelled again and again he picked up some speed. He made to go into the boys' lavatory, but I was faster and I drew my wand.  
  
'Oh no, you won't!' I said, pushing him against the wall with it. 'Tom, I want to talk to you.'  
  
'Hi Shiphrah.' he said, forcing an awkward smile. He had dropped his books and wand and was holding his hands up. I think he even was a bit scared. If I hadn't been so mad, I would have burst out in laughter. 'You might want to look out with that. Fearfully dangerous things, wands are.'  
  
'Tom, I know better how to use one of these than you do. Now get into the Transfiguration classroom before I give you jelly-legs.'  
  
'Easy with the threatening, Johnstone.' he smiled the same smile I had seen on King's Cross. And I melted.  
  
'Listen. Tom, why- why aren't you talking to me anymore?' I was so terribly scared he was going to say something about me not being good enough or something, but he didn't.  
  
'I don't know. Should I be?'  
  
'Yes. I mean no. Perhaps.' I looked into those beautiful dark eyes again. And I realised again that he was everything I wanted. 'Well, I mean, on the train we could talk so well, about everything. And I can't see how you could've changed completely and I know I haven't, so why shouldn't we talk?'  
  
'I guess you're right.' he said, coyly, but there was something strong in his voice. A long silence followed and neither of us knew what to say.  
  
'Prah. Would-would you have cursed me?' he asked, somewhat shy.  
  
A sudden rush of warmth spread throughout my body. I let out a very silent giggle.  
  
'Of course not. I don't even know how to do the Jelly Legs.'  
  
So I guess that's where our real friendship starts.  
  
A/N: So that's chapter one, I hope everyone liked it. The entire story is finished, so I'll be posting the other chapters {six more to go} later on this week. Please review, if you've got the time! Thank you ^_^ 


	2. Chapter Two

Disclaimer: Everything you recognise while reading this story, is -sadly enough- not mine. It's all due to the genius of JK Rowling. Everything that does not seem familiar {such as the Johnstones and the plot}, however, is entirely my own genius ^_^  
  
BEFORE EVIL CAME ALONG  
  
Chapter Two:  
  
We decided to have secret meetings, to make it a little more exciting. I also believe he didn't really want to tell his other friends he was hanging out with me, but I didn't really mind. I never told a soul either.  
  
Keeping our friendship a secret was harder than I thought it would be. All those excuses one needs to make up and one has to make sure that one doesn't use the same excuse twice a day, or that one doesn't sneak out of a class when the other couldn't. It took a lot of planning and we soon had a strategy to meet four times a month, once a week.  
  
Once during class, once, we would sneak out of our Common Rooms and we would skip breakfast, lunch or dinner twice.  
  
It was particularly hard for me, Persephone, Aglaia and Uma liked to check up on me in the evening, or they would come and sit with me in the Great Hall. Plus Minerva kept staggering after Tom.But we managed to fool them every time, although I still don't know how we pulled it off.  
  
But it was good we did. I had such good a time. Tom and I, we could truly talk about everything. We liked to discuss our future, Tom was a serious boy. He could appreciate a good joke every now and then, but he took almost everything in earnest. I could see why. If he had good notes he could stay in the Wizarding World, something I think he desired more than anything. He hated Muggles.  
  
We had some wild discussions about that, we had. He was a true Slytherin that way. He didn't want Muggle-borns or Half-bloods at Hogwarts. I didn't have to fear, because like I said, I come from a long line of pure bloods, but a lot of Ravenclaws didn't and a lot of them were friends. The things he wanted done to them to "clean out the Wizard Race" were awful, and it made me sick to think that some of those could be done to any of my friends. And when I told him that he was a Half-blood too, he got so mad he scared the living daylights out of me.  
  
'I am not a Mudblood!' he would yell. 'Tom Riddle is a Mudblood, and Tom Riddle doesn't exist anymore. There is only Voldemort!'  
  
But I knew Tom still was there, because every time I said something, Tom would say something back. When we were together, he was no Slytherin and I was no Ravenclaw. We just were Tom and Shiphrah. A boy and a girl, being very good friends.  
  
Well, you can pretty much guess what happened, can't you?  
  
Indeed, we became more than friends. We fell in love. But it wasn't until our fourth year that we gave in to our feelings. Before I gave into my feelings, at least. I never really knew how long Tom had wanted to be more than friends. He wouldn't tell me.  
  
It happened during one of our secret meetings. Oh, yes, I remember everything so well. We had sneaked into the Divination class. I had heard from Persephone that Professor Ekstispeks had told her last class she was going to be sick that day, so that room was empty.  
  
The attic was so hot it made you drowsy almost instantly as you entered and it smelled of tea-leaves.  
  
'Oh look,' he said, obviously faking his own surprise 'isn't this a pretty couch.' But it was. It was a soft couch of pink velvet; the arm rests were matte gold and it was covered in white rose petals. 'Ekstispeks must've seen what was coming.'  
  
We sat down and had a beautiful view over the lake and the grounds and the sun shone so beautifully bright, as if she knew as well that we would be looking up at her.  
  
We soon agreed to skip some lessons, and I know, that sounds silly, but if you would've been there, you would've done the same.  
  
And we just sat there and did nothing but look. I can still see that view if I close my eyes, and it's still one of the most wonderful things I've ever seen, one of the most wonderful moments I've ever known. And the funny thing is, I know Tom knows it too. He still feels it, I know he does.  
  
But back to the attic- Suddenly, he put on a very fake yawn and he stealthily laid his arm around me. I let him. I liked it. and I got closer to him and softly leaned against him, resting my head on his chest.  
  
I could hear his heart beat, louder and faster than a normal heartbeat. He breathed short, irregular breaths. And I noticed I did too.  
  
And we looked at the sapphire sky contrasting with the lake as the sun made it shine silver. We- well, at least I- felt special and alone, alone in the entire world. And I enjoyed it with every short, irregular breath.  
  
After an hour or so, Tom nodded off and suddenly the lake and the sun didn't seem so pretty anymore. But he did. Oh he got more handsome everyday and it never hit me like it hit me then, not even when I first saw him on King's Cross.  
  
I couldn't keep my eyes of him, and I loved.wait- I don't think love is strong enough a word. let's say I adored watching him.  
  
I could've sat in that classroom for hours, just looking. I knew for sure, that moment, that there was nothing about him I didn't love. Not a bloody thing- pardon my language.  
  
I was aware of my feelings, maybe even of his too- that they were strong, but somehow I had always considered them rather. I wouldn't say mundane, or wrong, but I can't seem to think of other words.  
  
I mean, I think practically every single girl at Hogwarts was interested in him. Yes yes, I know this sounds very cliché: he was the playboy and we were the airheads running after him. but we were. It was just that he didn't devour every girl he came across.  
  
And that's what made me realise. Out of all the girls, all the fashion- queens, the rich heirs and Pure Greens, he chose me: a simple Blue, not that rich, not that pretty with a huge family. It's probably because of my siblings he chose me, though. But he did, and that was enough.  
  
I worshipped him. seeing him so peaceful.  
  
And I thought- This, I thought. This is how I want to spend the rest of my life. Warm and safe in his arms. The things I felt are too intense and too complicated to explain, you'd have to actually feel them. It's-it's a special feeling. Which made me completely calm down one way or another. I've never felt that serene in my whole life. Quite the shock if you'd been spending the previous hours trying to get your heart back in its place. It's weird, isn't it, that as a fifteen year old -even an eleven year old- I already knew love. Most people have to search half their life and some don't even have the luck of finding it at all, but I, Shiphrah Johnstone, had found love the first day of school. Sounds rather comical, don't you think. But, as you know, all good things end way too soon. And so did our afternoon-which had turned into evening without us noticing. I think it was about nine thirty when I had finally spotted it had got dark.  
  
But I had to stop that moment and I'd have to live on the memories of one heavenly afternoon. Of an afternoon as I would never see again for the rest of my life. So I woke Tom in what I hoped was a gentle and kind way. It wasn't, Tom woke with a start.  
  
There was something different about him now; something different about the atmosphere as well. It wasn't ruined, it was still romantic but it was. different, I don't know how to explain it- less tangible. In my heart I had been convinced that the end of the evening would be the perfect moment. The perfect moment for us to be honest about our feelings and I had been so sure that it was going to happen. until then. I wasn't all that eager anymore, I sensed there was something wrong with Tom, and although he had intended this afternoon to be a reason for us to get together, I think he knew it wasn't the right time to do anything more intimate than we had done. I believe he was just about to kiss me, when I fully realised that this wasn't the ideal moment and I had a hard time stuttering:  
  
'I think we'd better get back to our Common Rooms.'  
  
He looked slightly put out, but he agreed. I know we didn't kiss right there, or we didn't confront our feelings, but from that moment, I felt like he was mine. And I knew that I was his forever. 


	3. Chapter Three

Disclaimer: Again, just mean to say that own none of the things you recognise, although am growing to regret faltering talent.. :)  
  
BEFORE EVIL CAME ALONG  
  
Chapter Three:  
  
We never told a soul that we were together. Only my family knew. They were, of course not truly happy with it, but I was and as far as I could tell, Tom was too. That was enough. My sisters didn't know whether they should be glad I found the man of my dreams -and he just happened to be the most handsome boy at Hogwarts- or to be scared and shocked that he was a Slytherin. I think they never fully found out. But at least they accepted that I was happy, and I'll always be grateful for that.  
  
The year that came was amazing. I had never had so much fun in my entire life, and I never had so much fun again.  
  
Tom and I were made prefects in our fifth year, which gave us a lot of responsibilities, but a lot of possibilities as well. The times we sneaked into an empty classroom after dark are innumerable, and if anyone asked we just said we were patrolling the corridors, or that we were just returning from the prefect bathroom. And no one ever found out.  
  
But then things began to change: attacks happened at school, rumours about the Chamber of Secrets started flying around. Grindelwald had free reign... When we were around others, Tom changed as well. He had that smug, arrogant attitude again, a look that implied you were useless and a voice so cold and disinterested it could make your blood freeze. When we were alone, he was completely different. He was Tom. But I knew something was going on, and I think I've -very, very deep down- always known that he had something to do with the attacks, I just didn't want to see it.  
  
I thought, and I hoped, that Tom was going through some changes, that this was his way of dealing with things. a lot had happened in his life, his father had died, his mother had left him, he was sent to an orphanage he loathed where he was loathed in return. People had gone insane for less. And when he "caught" Hagrid for unleashing the evil creature and was awarded with Special Services to the School, I thought everything was going to go back to normal, he'd had more attention and fans than he had in our first four years combined, he had me, and I thought that could be enough to satisfy him.  
  
It was not however. He became even more haughty and stuck-up, and-  
  
Love truly is blind, I now often think. I wonder, sometimes, if it wasn't just a teenage crush, but when I truly reflect upon it, I know it wasn't. That special feeling, that warm, caring, peaceful love I felt for Tom, I will never feel for anyone else. That fifth year made me realise that he had. changed and that if- if he kept this up, I would lose Tom to Voldemort -oh, just shut up! A thought that still breaks my heart. I-I feel partly responsible, you know. I loved him so dearly and I would have done everything to keep him happy, to keep him by my side.. And when he- after all the times I tried- still wouldn't-couldn't change, or at least become a bit more friendly.I felt- still feel guilty, somewhere I feel I failed to love him. If I had just. loved him a bit more. he might not have done those things. He might have stayed with us-me and. and.  
  
Oh, let's-let's not dwell on the past.  
  
Do you want some more tea? Or cookies? Or candy. If you want some candy, I could quickly fetch some for you- or I could call the house-elf. Gabby! What? Oh I'm so sorry! It's just. When I think about all those things he has done, it's- I can't believe it, I can't believe that Tom has done those things. But then again, the Tom I knew. or thought I knew, is gone.  
  
A/N: please review, if you've got time! Would be great to find out what people think of story. Also, don't pay attention to style in which disclaimer and A/N are written. Have just had very bad case of Bridget Jones-itis and am now wallowing in Fielding-worship.. :) 


	4. Chapter Four

Disclaimer: I came to the conclusion this morning that my dreams did not come true and I still don't own Harry Potter or anything else that belongs to JK's wonderful world. I trust you know that Shiphrah and her family do come from my own (wild) imagination.. This is the longest chapter of the story, so enjoy it!!  
  
BEFORE EVIL CAME ALONG  
  
Chapter Four:  
  
We dragged ourselves through our two final years at Hogwarts. We rarely had those lovely, gorgeous moments and we both knew that whatever we had had, was slowly bleeding to death. So, we wisely chose to end it, the night before graduation. I was devastated. I knew it was the right thing, because no matter what he did, Tom only hurt me more. But I still loved him so much. I still wanted his hand in mine, his lips on my cheek, his arms around me. I had waded in his company for seven years, four of those he had been exclusively mine. And now, after a conversation that had barely lasted a blink, it was all gone. Lost.  
  
I had to start over, because for such a long time, I had been Tom's Shiphrah. I had been Tom and Shiphrah. And now that Tom was gone, I was not complete: half of me was missing. I had to learn to become a whole person again, and for that I chose to go abroad- which, I can tell you, was not easy.  
  
I was offered a curse-breaking course in Italy, which I gladly took. I said goodbye to my family, to my friends and I left. It was really hard at first. I had to do everything myself. I was totally alone when it came to it and I loved every minute of it. I found out there was more to me than Tom, that there was more to life than Tom.  
  
I got on without him, but I never forgot him. Oh, I never could. He foamed through my head with the regularity of a heartbeat. And I missed him, but I could live. I could do stuff by myself, I could be alone. Yet in the end, I always thought: Tom, I wish you were here to see me now, doing things by myself.  
  
I was very proud of that, mind. I had this need to call out to people, you know. Like "Look at me, I'm Shiphrah, I'm doing stuff on my own."  
  
I completed the course after a year and a half. The plan was to go back home and bring the things I had learned into practice. But I had had such a good time and when I got a job offer, I immediately owled home and told them I'd not be coming back.  
  
What did I have to go home to anyway? A family, whom I loved dearly, but with a very busy life and a city that had Tom written all over it. No, Italy was the place where everyone knew me as me. Not as the Shiphrah that went wherever Tom was. It was the place I could be myself without depending on him. Everything I had accomplished there, I had done myself, without help from anyone.  
  
I was very happy; I worked as a curse-breaker for the Ministero di Magico, Italian Ministry of Magic. I went on raids with Genarro Carlucci, do you know him? He was quite famous for his Charmwork. Truly had a gift, that man. Did some valuable research as well. He was ever such a good friend of mine, that was until Tom. killed him. Ahum.. erm, well, as I was saying, we -as curse breakers- went on raids together, to make sure everything we took with us was safe. It was a fantastic job and we had tons of fun. Fun never lasts, does it.  
  
Again two and a half years later,, we were in desperate need of a very well- trained wizard because of some riots by Grindelwald's followers. We actually needed an Auror, but Auror-training was not as intense and developed in Italy, so I gave my superiors the advice to let someone come from England, of which I was -I have to admit- completely surprised they took.  
  
On the 22nd of February, 1948, I was told to prepare for the arrival of an English Auror, expert in the Defence Against the Dark Arts.  
  
And of all the people in England, all the people who were Auror trained, Tom naturally was the one sent to us. Ah, well. An expert in Defence Against the Dark Arts, I should have known.  
  
When I saw him get off that bus, my heart stopped. I felt so warm inside. Suddenly, that scream deep down, that I had tried to leave unanswered for four years, stopped. I was complete. And I hated it. Just when I was doing so well by myself. Just when I had done everything alone. I had conquered Italy alone, I ruled it alone, I lived in it alone. The only thing I had done by myself, the only thing that was utterly and completely mine he just had to come and take from me. He just had to invade my life, that -for the first time- was completely mine.  
  
I was just so mad at him, at that moment. And judging by his face when he saw me, he wasn't too happy with it either. He tried to hide it with a smile that had to pass for enthusiastic, but -to my then growing regrets- I still knew him well enough to know he was not in the least pleased to see me.  
  
That day, we didn't get any further than 'Hullo', and I was glad about that. I managed to avoid him in the weeks that came by making Genarro work with him. I took on smaller, easier jobs, that didn't need the watching eye, or the expertise of an Auror. Until Genarro fell ill one day and we had to work together.  
  
When I received the owl by Genarro, I was trembling all over. Out of anger, but out of fear and nerves as well. I felt like I was twelve again, and I had to make Tom like me all over. I had to offer him everything I had done without him and I knew he wouldn't even blink. How much had he changed?  
  
A lot, I found out soon enough. Which enraged me even more. Leave for four silly years and he becomes a snotty, extremely arrogant, cold and bitter young man. When we spoke, it was really strange. I still felt this connection between us, one he must unmistakeably have felt too, and yet, there was no real emotion involved. It was as if Tom had completely frozen. His face was stuck on contemptuous and his eyes, which I remembered to be so warm and intense, were so cold and sharp you could almost feel them cutting through you. When you smiled at him, it was like half of his face was paralysed. His mouth smiled back, but his eyes left you puzzled. They were. dead.  
  
And the surprises weren't over. I think it was the fifth, or so, job we did together and he suddenly wanted to know how my life had been, the last four years. What had I been doing? Had I liked it? Who were my new friends? Who was I living with? An emotion I couldn't quite get a hold of flittered across his face when I told him I hadn't been seeing anyone after our break- up. The real shocker was the fact that he had. I hadn't really expected him to stay alone for the rest of his life, but I don't know, somehow I just thought he would. He had had several girls since me, no one had stayed with him that long, but I hardly think that was a problem for Tom. He still was very good-looking, he could have had any girl he wanted. At the time, he had been seeing someone for a few months.Who it was? It doesn't matter. But it was so unlike Tom, the way he spoke of her. So unenthusiastic, so indifferent. As if she merely was an object, as if their love was purely theoretical, like a file we were discussing. Which made me even more angry. Was this the way he had been talking about us as well? Was that how he was? Pretty words to your face, but behind your back not even one nice word? It was terrifying to think I might have thrown seven years away, thinking I might've found the one. Because that's what it felt like: like I had been wasting my life.  
  
Yet what we had. wasn't that something very rare, something no one could have but us?  
  
And that question just burned in my head and I kept thinking about it, all the time. Until I finally couldn't stand it anymore and asked him. Very straightforward, and in the middle of a discussion about the best way to dry fluxweed we were having in the refectory of the Ministry.  
  
Tom said something like.  
  
'No, Shiphrah, I'm rather sure that a spell has pretty much the same effect as hanging it in a basement for two months. I mean-'  
  
'Did you love me?'  
  
'Maybe it's not Muggle enough for you but-' he was completely startled by this question. His face suddenly. defrosted, only for a few seconds, and then it got that irony look again. 'What a thing to ask, really.'  
  
'Listen Tom, I know this might not be the right time, since you seem to find fluxweed a whole lot more interesting than me, but I want to know. Did you love me? Did you ever speak of me in such a bored manner like you speak of- of your girlfriend now?'  
  
Oh, it hurt so much to say girlfriend, after all, wasn't that what I was supposed to be?  
  
He remained silent for a while, as if he was thinking something over. He drew a breath, as if he was going to speak and he then began examining every corner of the room. He sighed heavily and got up.  
  
'You're right, Shiphrah, this is not the right time, I think it best if I'd leave. I'm pretty sure I can do something more valuable with my time than this.' He said coldly, without even looking me in the eye.  
  
In a matter of seconds, I got my wand out.  
  
'Listen, Riddle, I got you to speak once by threatening you, and I don't care if I have to do it again. Just bear in mind that my magic tricks have improved a bit since first year. Jelly Legs'll be the least of your worries.'  
  
And exactly as he did ten years ago, he slowly backed into the wall with an awkward smile and a somewhat scared look, while putting his hands up. But then he looked at me, for a very long time and let out a harsh laugh.  
  
'Some things never change, do they Shiphrah.' he said smugly, pushing my wand aside. 'But you forget that I'm not a rookie anymore. I'm not the new, lonely boy I was ten years ago. And no matter how good your spells are, I doubt it if they are any match for an Auror's. So if you want to defy me, go ahead.'  
  
That was the last straw for me, I'd had enough of his bigheaded attitude and frankly, I'd had enough of him. So, my first reaction, more because of my anger than because of the actual threat, was to curse him.  
  
'Fugis animo!' Before he even had a chance to realise what was going on, I knocked him out. And although I knew he couldn't hear me anymore, I still spoke. 'And you, Tom, you forget that I'm no longer a silly girl in love, filled with empty threats.'  
  
***  
  
I might have been a little bit too eager with the curse, because Tom was out cold for. about five hours, at least. And when he woke up he had a fierce headache. But who could blame me, he deserved it, the bloody insufferable little prat.  
  
You know, I'm not easily angered, and I don't use my wand every two seconds, but Tom had really gone too far in my eyes. To you it all might seem as if I overreacted, but really, I had been with Tom for seven years, four of which he had been my boyfriend. And when I see him again, four years later, he turns out to be this completely different person, someone I had always tried to keep him from being. It felt like pure betrayal. And when he didn't "feel" like answering that question, well, that was just one straw too many.  
  
I had floated him onto the bed I had in my office. And I was in there when he woke up. No, it was no coincidence I was there, if you might think so. You must know that the Fugis-curse is only supposed to render you unconscious for an hour, or two at most. When he hadn't woken up after three hours, I was really worried. I had tried Enervate, but that didn't do much good either, he'd just open his eyes for a few seconds and. well, it was just as if he was talking in his sleep or something. He said stuff about his girlfriend, and about Hogwarts, things that were neither here nor there. Then he would just lose consciousness again, assuming he'd found it in the first place. That was no option, either, so I decided to wait by his bedside.  
  
I did some paperwork, I owled some friends, I tried to read a book, but I just had to peak once in a while. When I saw him "sleep" like that, I had the feeling I was back in Ekstispeks' attic. And I was really mad at myself for it. He was a snotty, self-absorbed, annoying git and I was not supposed to want to be with him again.  
  
But he finally woke up, with a head like a brick, which I still think he deserved. He coughed a little and then tried to sit up, but he soon stopped trying.  
  
'Wow Johnstone, you were not joking, were you?' he said, laying a hand over his eyes, still coughing mildly.  
  
'Can't get anything past you, can I.' I said as indifferently as I could. 'Look, I'm glad you woke up, sorry you've been out cold for so long, etcetera, but you had it coming. I've got to go, we're going on a raid in half an hour.'  
  
It was true, Genarro and I had been called to raid the house of a very prominent wizard, who allegedly was a follower of Grindelwald, with quite a stash of forbidden herbs and potions.  
  
I took some stuff I might need, got up and made for the door.  
  
'Shiphrah. Wait.' he called. Again he tried to get up, but he turned a nasty shade of green when he wanted to get to his feet, and he soon laid himself back down. I was still standing at the door, holding the knob tightly. What was he going to say this time? Hadn't he said enough? I certainly thought he had.  
  
'Listen, Tom, you've done enough for now, and unless you want to stay in that bed for another four hours, I would just remain silent.'  
  
'No. Shiphrah, I don't want to. I just want you to know you were right in cursing me.' He said, massaging his temples.  
  
That kind of caught me by surprise. Was he actually apologising?  
  
'I was? I mean, I know I was. But, you think I was right?' I said, closing the door and taking place by his side again. 'Why?'  
  
'I-I know I'm not.You just caught me off guard, asking that, you know. I don't like being caught off guard. And. I don't know, do I have to answer? I mean don't you know the answer yourself?'  
  
'I thought I knew, Tom. I thought I knew until you got off that bus. What is going on? Why are you acting like this? This is not you. I know you, and this is not it.' I said. I felt I was pushing it, but I had to say it. He had to know how I felt.  
  
'I think. Maybe. Oh, bloody hell, I don't know why, Shiphrah! Maybe this isn't who I was, but it is who I've become. I've changed, we all do. Nothing can stay the same forever. That only happens in fairy tales.' He let his arms fall loosely to his side and he looked at me, straight in the eye. 'I know you think I don't care and that you're the only one who had a hard time breaking up, but you weren't.'  
  
I can't describe what I felt at that moment. It was so confusing. It seemed positive what he had just said, but the tone of his voice and his choice of words were enough to break my heart all over.  
  
And yet I nodded and threw in an excusive look. Weird how he could make me feel like the bad guy, isn't it?  
  
'Maybe I should've been nicer, maybe I should've made it more clear to you that I'm not who I was ten years ago. And if I gave you a wrong impression about the feelings I once felt, then I'm sorry.'  
  
Felt, he'd said felt. So that was it then. It was over, he no longer loved me and he now only claimed to have done so. But he offered no tangible proof as I had expected him to.  
  
'But I will not apologise for being more self-assured and successful than I once was. I've learned to form my own principles and I refuse to be someone who's not strong enough to stick to them. That's all, Shiphrah. I'm no longer a naïve little boy.'  
  
Had he just called me naïve? I thought that cursing him would have been a great wake-up call. It had worked before and all. But then again, according to him, I was naïve.  
  
'I understand, Tom.' I said. He made a tutting-sound and rolled his eyes. 'No Tom, I understand completely. I've just remained childish whereas you have grown up and being an adult obviously means avoiding any sign of emotion.'  
  
'Shiphrah, that's not at all what I said.' Tom told me, as if he was merely reprimanding a toddler. 'You are totally missing the point.'  
  
'Oh, am I?' I almost screamed. I was so mad at him. Where did he get the nerve to waltz back into my life and insult me? 'But then again, who can blame me, right? I'm just naïve.'  
  
And then I stormed out of my office, ignoring his pleas for me to come back.  
  
A/N: I really hope you liked it.. Just to tease some of you; here's a little preview of chapter five..  
  
"I'd really started to lose all hope of getting my Tom back, until one day he just owled me to Apparate to the ministry at once. Two hours later I arrived back home as a married woman with a husband eager to start a family."  
  
Eager to read more?? I hope so. Please, please R&R everybody!! 


	5. Chapter Five

Chapter Five:  
  
Later that day, I received an owl from Tom. He'd written me a four page letter explaining what he'd really intended to say.  
  
It was a very confusing letter, telling me why he thought he'd changed. It was just as the conversation. Everything he seemed to say looked positive, but it had this bitter twist. I could not make anything up out of it.  
  
He said he hadn't meant to insult me. He said it was nice to know that at least one of us had been able to preserve a childlike innocence –which I found pretty insulting nonetheless. He wrote that, as an Auror, he'd seen too many stomach-turning cases to let him believe in things such as love and friendship. He said he'd finally figured out what really was important in life: obtaining power and respect. To him that felt like a complete liberation, he wrote. As if he'd worn eye-caps his entire life and they'd finally fallen off. As if he'd been searching for something and he didn't even know what, but now that had become crystal clear and he would never rest, for nothing or no one until he got it.  
  
And he asked me to help him find it. He said I could be the key and that he didn't want to do it alone.  
  
I didn't know what to answer. He'd been right, he had changed. And he'd started to become something I was forced to hate... Voldemort.  
  
It's true what they say about love, it's blind. I had fallen in love with this image of this boy long ago, an image I myself had created and no matter what he did or said, I refused to give up that image, in a way I still refuse to.  
  
So I thought we were alike, you know. That's what possessed me to say yes. He was looking for respect and power and I was looking for my image, and neither of us would rest until we were satisfied. I didn't understand that what he meant by acquiring power and respect was to turn into what he's eventually become. I was too busy with convincing myself he was the perfect man.  
  
But I knew he had that in him, I knew he had a tendency to be evil. He wasn't like other boys, he wasn't ordinary. He lived off extremes. Either he was deliriously happy (although I don't recall him being that so very often) or he was disgustingly mad.  
  
I should have been smart and should've said my goodbye then and there, but I didn't. I was young and had some of my own ideals to live up to. And one of those was to prove to myself that love could cure everything and everyone.  
  
I had to prove it to myself and I had to bring the old Tom back, so I could say I hadn't wasted my life on him. And that's basically what made me say 'Yes, I'll help you.'  
  
I had no idea that finding whatever he wanted would be so time-consuming.  
  
We moved back to England, so he could work as an Auror there. I didn't really mind, it gave me a chance to see my family more often.  
  
But everything started to change. Everything we did was for Tom. Whatever he wanted, he would just say it and it would be done. Mostly he wanted me out of the way, which I –I must say- didn't really mind after a few months. I rarely saw him. He would be looking stuff up, going to meetings or playing Auror with his Auror-buddies.  
  
Now, I know all three things were a synonym for gathering followers and killing people. I really feel stupid. I should've seen it all, but that's easy to say now it's over, right? It's a very pathetic excuse, but I was young and I believed the man I loved. And he took no shame in misleading me in this awful manner.  
  
The relationship we had was... weird, I think is the only way to say it. I think everyone knew we were a couple, but when we were together we never were couply, if we were together at all.  
  
I'd really started to lose all hope of getting my Tom back, until one day he just owled me to Apparate to the ministry at once. Two hours later I arrived back home as a married woman with a husband eager to start a family.  
  
It was a very businesslike wedding. No witnesses, only me and Tom, no fancy dresses, no pretty flowers... Only one document and two signatures.  
  
Nonetheless, I thought I'd won. I always believed marriage was not for me and Tom. He hadn't spent much time with me, hadn't shown me any affection and then suddenly he came up with this matrimony-thing. That had to mean something, I thought. It had to mean he loved me. Later I found out that Tom was under suspicion of some horrible things –and those were mainly things he'd actually done- and what better way to come off as innocent than to play the loving husband and caring father?  
  
Of course back then, I was too stupid to realise what he was doing and I knew too little of his plans... But when I think about it now it was so obvious. I was just a cover, just a wonderful alibi. And that was all I'd ever been.  
  
Yet I wanted to believe so badly I had taught him how to love again, that maybe he could ignore his stupid hunger for respect and power and that I could make him stay with me. I prayed everyday he would realise that all he really needed was me.  
  
I wasn't at all what he needed... I was just something he coincidentally bumped into which he could use. Which he used gratefully.  
  
As I said, I was just a wonderful excuse. A fantastic veil and even a way for him to procure followers, because how could a caring father and husband be evil?  
  
But that was just a role he played for the outside world. When we were alone, he was mortifying. It was only then I got to see the real Tom.  
  
When we were at Hogwarts and we'd get into this fight or we'd talk about his loathing for Muggles, he'd get this odd gleam in his eyes. An entranced kind of look, I don't really know how to describe it. He would just be radiant with an extremely negative energy... Do I make any sense? I don't know how to put it, but I remember the feeling he gave me: cold shivers running up my spine, a scared kind of feeling, an awful sense of foreboding, if you will...  
  
That was all over him now. Not only when he was mad, but all the time. He'd walk into the house and every bit of warmth would just vanish instantly. It had become him. And when I'd fully felt what he truly was like, it finally started to dawn on me.  
  
He did everything in his power to hurt me, just for the kick of it. He used the most subtlest of ways to do so, but those were the most painful ways. He hurt me and deceived me in every possible manner. And sometimes, when he was extremely mad, he'd throw things at me and call me names I don't even dare to repeat.  
  
And when I got the courage to ask why he stayed with me, if that was what he felt, he'd just automatically say he loved me. Loved me, can you believe that? I don't think there's every been anyone who could make the word love sound so repulsive and evil... So dead. He never understood what love was. He was never told... or he never wanted to hear, I deem both possible.  
  
I so wondered where the Tom had gone that made me giggle, or who kept me from sleeping at night because the thought of him made me restless. It is sheer agony, not to know where he's gone, or to know whether he really existed at all. For all I know, it could have been a part he played all along. I chose not to believe that though, I need to believe that he once thought he loved me, otherwise I'd go mad. But it hurts so bad to realise you failed to do what you wanted to do most in the entire world... Make somebody love you as much as you love him. 


	6. Chapter Six

Chapter Six:  
  
And that's when I realised Tom was gone. This was no longer my Hogwarts boyfriend. This was Voldemort.  
  
I try to console myself with the thought that nobody could have made him love anyone at that point. I did the best I could, but he just had Voldemort in him.  
  
I can see you're wondering why I stayed with him. You know what? I do too. I reckon I just convinced myself I could make him human. And by the time I realised I couldn't, it was too late... I had already given him a child.  
  
Hebe Gül Riddle was born on the 3rd of April, 1955. I couldn't leave him now we had a daughter. It would have been a disgrace, I wouldn't have been able to live with it. And obviously, Tom wouldn't let me. Ruin his image? He would've rather seen me dead.  
  
But it didn't matter. He was from home so often, he hardly ever saw Hebe. Which is, when I look back, probably a good thing. At least our daughter didn't turn out like him. At least I got a chance to raise her the way she should've been raised: as a warm, friendly, caring girl who understood what was important... Who understood the meaning of love.  
  
Meanwhile, more and more horrifying things happened in the wizarding world and I felt so awful because I knew that it was because of Tom. Do you see why I feel so guilty? I feel as if I've provided him with the key to his success, as if I'm responsible. If I hadn't tried to be so bloody noble, maybe none of this would've happened.  
  
When Hebe turned fourteen, we last saw him. After that, never again. Only his nickname in the paper -the nickname I once had thought of- with awful headlines. I had tried to send him owls, numerous times, but they always came back with the letter still tied to their paw.  
  
Do you know how horrible it is when your daughter comes and asks you why her father is doing these horrible things? It... It's heartbreaking. And even though she was sixteen, or seventeen, by the time he got full reign of the wizarding world, Hebe still wanted to believe he could be a wonderful, heroic, flawless father who brought her presents. Who could be a father like other girls had fathers.  
  
She never got to see that beautiful image brought to life. And I do not think I will live to see it either.  
  
What happened to Hebe? I think this is the most horrible part of the story. Hebe... She, erm, died. Almost sixteen years ago. She never even lived to see him fall. Two bloody weeks before the horrible incident at Godric's Hollow, she passed away... I'm sorry, it's just... Losing a child is the most awful thing anyone could ever go through. And she was so young, she had so much to live for.  
  
How she...? Well, she got pregnant. She was going to get married too. Oh, why do happy times always precede hell itself? She had such a wonderful life ahead of her. She could have watched her children grow up, she could have been happy with her husband. But it didn't happen. For too many reasons.  
  
After six months of her pregnancy, we got the horrible news she was going to be a single mother. A widow before marriage. Benjy had died in battle. Benjy Fenwick was such a gentleman. He would have been so happy with my Heebs. He had been killed by order of Tom. I wonder if he ever realised he murdered his own son-in-law. The father of his grandchild... I don't know. I could not think Tom capable of consciously doing such a thing. But there was no Tom left in him. Voldemort had taken over and I cannot bear the thought that I lived with that beast... that I loved that beast. I console myself with the idea that the Tom I knew is not at all the dictator who has so many lives on his conscience.  
  
But my Heebs was a strong woman. She got through that horrible period quite all right and I thought we were going to have a reasonable fine life, me, Heebs and her child. But again, my plans did not find fruition.  
  
Hebe had to go through a very hard and very long delivery. She did not survive it. She died alone, right after having given birth, on the 18th of October. I- The doctors said she had no power left to live. Apparently, she just named her baby and then she... It was the most awful, horrifying moment of my life. I don't think there are words to describe the pain you feel at that time. There shouldn't have to be words like that.  
  
I had been sitting in the waiting-room, when suddenly a team of medi- wizards came to get me. All their faces grim and sad. They took me, to- to Hebe's body. She looked so pale, so sick... so cold and lifeless. She was not the lively, colourful Hebe I had raised. She was but a mere shadow of who she always had been. It had been a struggle for her, but she chose for the life of her baby, instead of her own.  
  
And my grandchild? I do not know what happened. At first, I thought some error must have occurred, because not five minutes after she was born, her name was down for an orphanage. I did not know why, I did not know who decided and that just made everything worse. I was not allowed to raise my granddaughter. I was not even allowed to see her. I still loathe the doctors who made that happen, who took the only memory I had of my daughter and of her happy family life.  
  
Of course, I made sure the Wizengamot heard of this. After loads of research, awful things started to come to light. Apparently, this hospital was a hospital run by Death Eaters. They-they took the children, the babies of Muggle-borns and... and... murdered them. Benjy wasn't born a pure blood, and so, my grandchild was part Muggle. I do not know what happened with her, but after one hears this, one can only draw one's conclusions.  
  
And so, I lost my daughter and granddaughter at the exact same moment. And again, it was Tom's fault. But I refuse to believe that I loved that man. You may call me naïve –as Tom once did- or, I don't know what you want to call me, but I'm not. Believe me, I loathe the man who caused these things and if I had a proper wand and a proper shot I would not hesitate for one second to take what he has appropriated of so many others. But that is not the man I loved, it cannot be. I cannot believe it to be.  
  
Excuse me? Oh, how Hebe named her daughter? She named her after my sister. That's the girl she was. I miss her so much... I'm sorry, I really do have to pull myself together. Her name was Shiva Ishtar Fenwick. Beautiful isn't it.  
  


* * *

  
Well, I guess I've pretty much told you everything. The story of my life and, thus for a very large part, Tom's life. I hope people will understand. I don't expect anyone to understand Tom. I couldn't, so I don't see how anyone else can. I just want people to know that, at one time, I believed him to be human. That, at one time, I loved him and I believed I was loved back.. It had to be told. People had to know. And I'm glad I was the one to tell it.  
  
People should know that everyone, even those close to Tom, suffered. He made everyone suffer, he wanted everyone to suffer. I lost a big part of my family because of him and I'm scared to death of who I still have to lose now that Voldemort has returned.  
  
I hope I still have enough of strength left to make it through this second war. I hope I can set things straight and I somehow cannot but hope that maybe, really maybe, I can still bring Tom back. But I must not get my hopes up. Dreams will be dreams...  
  
But I had to tell you. I had to make sure people knew about Ishtar, about my Hebe Gül and my Shiva Ishtar. People need to know about Benjy Fenwick and the stomach-turning hospital. Can I suggest something? I'd like you to interview other people with stories like my own. Well... Yes, I know, there is no story such as this one, but there still are heartbreaking adventures that happened when Tom thought himself master of the universe. Who knows what other things might come to light.  
  
I hope I didn't bore the life out of you, sir; thank you, for letting me do this. And please, let them remember what Tom was like Before Evil Came Along... 


End file.
